People of Georgian: Suicide becomes personal for prof

What’s your story?

Trigger warning: discussion of suicide.

Sept. 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day. Mary Spencer, a Georgian College professor, is sharing her story about her mom, who died by suicide, to encourage others to get the mental health help they need or to learn how to best support their loved ones.

While one in five people may experience serious mental health distress, five of five of us are impacted.

You are not alone, and Georgian’s Mental Health and Well-being team is here to support you through free, confidential counselling, supports and services, self-management and coping skills, and more.

Access Georgian’s mental health and well-being supports

People of Georgian: Meet Mary Spencer

Suicide was an abstract idea to me until it actually happened to me.

My mom… she was amazing.

My dad worked in the oil fields, so we moved around the U.S. and Canada about every four years when I was growing up and it was mainly my mom setting up house and getting myself and my siblings into activities.

She encouraged us to do whatever we wanted with our lives, and she was immensely proud of everything we did. She was my biggest cheerleader.

My brother and I participated in marching band in Texas, which is a big thing in that state. We had practice every day after school and football games Friday or Saturday nights. My mom was the president of the band booster club, which made sure that all the students were fed and taken care of, especially on game days.

An adult and two children sit outside and read a book together. — *Mary, left, as a child reading with her mom, Ann Spencer, and brother.*

My sister was a competitive soccer player, and my mom was the team manager of nearly all her teams. One time at a tournament in Florida (they lived in Utah at this time) one of the other parents booked their daughter on the wrong flight a day earlier than the rest of the team. Since we were already in Florida, the parents called us, and there was my mom getting my sister’s teammate from the airport.

Our house was also the hangout house for my high school friend group – not because we had fancy things; it was just that my mom was there and easygoing and there was always baked goods around for us to eat.

Two adults stand together and smile on the Brooklyn Bridge, with the New York skyline in the background. — *Mary, left, with her mom on the Brooklyn Bridge.*

Mary’s mom instilled ‘sense of being part of and giving back to your community’

My mom supported us through everything, emotionally, mentally and financially.

She was that person to a lot of people. For instance, one of my dad’s coworkers and their spouse (both expatriates in the U.S.) had their first baby, born stillborn at the hospital, and the first person they called was my mom for support. There was more than one person at my mom’s celebration of life who considered themselves a ‘bonus daughter’ to her.

My mom also volunteered for as long as I can remember for a variety of organizations. She instilled in us a sense of being part of and giving back to your community.

There’s a plaque at Memorial Hermann-Texas Medical Center in Houston for some wild number of hours of volunteer work, like 1,000 hours of doing their accounting and treasury stuff for different patient groups.

She was also a Girl Guides leader, the president of our band booster club, and the president of the National Charity League. I’m sure I’m forgetting some.

A person does a pistol squat on a hill with a mountain range in the background. — *Mary’s mom, Ann, does a pistol squat while hiking through the Uinta Mountains in Utah.*

‘It’s dangerous not to talk about suicide’

So, when she took her own life, it was shocking. Some days I still can’t believe it is real.

I think it’s dangerous to not talk about suicide. It’s dangerous to not name it, and at the same time I think you need professionals involved to help navigate it. It’s a very delicate dance.

If you’re caring for someone who’s struggling, acting out of the norm and you feel that something just isn’t right – it’s especially worth talking about it then.

One big thing I want people to know is that reaching out for help is OK.

Within a few days after my mom died by suicide, I knew I would need professional help.

I reached out to a counsellor through Georgian’s Mental Health and Well-being department to get recommendations, and that has worked out extremely well. I have a wonderful grief counsellor that I still see regularly

If you’re supporting someone who’s struggling with their mental health, a big thing is being there. Make sure you’re also getting the help you need to be able to do that emotional work because there is a limit to that work. There’s a saying: You can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

It can also be tricky to know what to say to someone who’s struggling. I think it’s always better to reach out and try, even if you might say the wrong thing. It’s better to know that people care.

Two people walk through a wooded area near abandoned, rusted equipment. — *Mary, left, and her mom explore Desolation Sound Marine Park in B.C., where their family sails.*

‘Your family and friends want you here’

There’s a lot of stigma around suicide, and it’s a very complicated issue. It’s important to say the quiet part out loud.

It’s perceived that people who choose suicide come to the conclusion that the world would be a better place without them. It is really hard to be on the receiving end of that reality because it isn’t true. Your family and friends want you here.

One thing I know for certain is that my mom is and will always be missed by many.

Mary Spencer, professor in Georgian’s Engineering and Environmental Technologies department.

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